


I'd tell you that I'm perfect, but I'm not.

by kingdra (aroceu)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Community: womenlovefest, Gen, Meta, Women Being Awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-10
Updated: 2011-09-10
Packaged: 2017-10-28 10:46:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/307062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/pseuds/kingdra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She doesn't deserve what she gets, and she doesn't get what she deserves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'd tell you that I'm perfect, but I'm not.

Ginny is nine and three quarters - ten years old, and she hates it because she's not eleven. She doesn't mind it so much though when she watches her brothers go through to the platform, because she's used to it; she's been used to it for all these ten years, and you know, with Ron leaving her too it's not like it makes much of a difference.   
  
(So sure, she'll be a bit lonelier during the year now, with only Luna Lovegood from over the hill to play with. But it's all right because she's still got Mum and she's still got Dad and Luna hasn't really been playing with her that often anyways, because of what happened to  _her_  mum last year. Ginny doesn't like to think about it.)  
  
She watches, as her brothers go onto the train - then Fred (she's sure it's Fred) runs over to them and says, "Guess who we met on the train, Mum? Guess who?"   
  
"Who?" Ginny wants to shout, but she doesn't because she knows Mum will scold her for this. "Who?" is what her Mum asks, instead.  
  
" _Harry Potter_ !"  
  
Even Ginny knows who Harry Potter is. "Harry Potter?" she says, and then looks up at Mum. "Oh Mum, can I go see him? Please? Please?"  
  
"No, Ginny," Mum tells her sternly, and Ginny pouts in disappointment. Of all the things she's not allowed to do, she can't even catch a glimpse of a boy. (Sure, then Mum says, "You've seen him already," but it's not enough because Ginny hasn't actually  _seen_  him.)  
  
Fred and George make her some promises of sending her a lot of letters and a Hogwarts toilet seat (she'd actually like one, really, and she's sure that the twins know - but one look from Mum and the three of them know it's not happening), and then the Hogwarts Express goes off. Mum lets her run toward the train, and Ginny can't help herself to crying - she does this every year, but this will be the last time - but she laughs, too, and waits for her family to come back.  
  
*  
  
It's summer. A few weeks before she's going to Hogwarts, actually, and Ginny can't wait at all. She hops out of bed, as eager and energetic as the days before, and runs down the stairs to go to breakfast (while wondering where her jumper is; she's packing early, you know.)  
  
And lo and behold her having Harry Potter in her kitchen. Ginny almost falls down the stairs, feels her cheeks go as dark as her freckles, and doesn't wait to hear Mum's response when she dashes back up into her room.  
  
It's quite silly, really; how many other people would be fawning to have Harry Potter in their house? Ginny knows it's just because her brother Ron is Harry's best friend and lucky, that: Ginny can't help but have that tiny crush on him, though, because she's eleven years old and prone to boys, she knows.  
  
Ginny takes a deep breath and calms herself. Her brother's best friend isn't someone to lose her mind over, and so what if she had put her elbow in the butter dish when he had asked her a question? (She can't remember what it had been.)  
  
Mum is angry (not about Harry Potter being here, but more at her brothers; at least this will shave off some attention from her) but she gets over it, and soon enough they're going to Diagon Alley to buy school books. Ginny is half-excited to go out and get the schoolbooks, but on the other hand she's slightly nervous, with the sort of nausea that comes with first days of school, the first time she's ever experienced it. Nevertheless, they go to Diagon Alley and after a few moments of losing Harry (Ginny's not too worried, because he's  _Harry Potter_  - but Mum is panicking and dragging her around so obviously she has to follow), everything is quite dandy. Also, Ginny's a bit grateful that she doesn't have to talk to Harry that much, just so that she can look at him from afar.  
  
But after the man named Lockhart who Mum's been obsessing over all summer has stopped harassing Harry - Ginny knows it's true, Harry hadn't looked quite happy - this boy comes. A boy who's rude, says that Harry can't even walk into a bookstore without making the front page and he sneers, and Ginny can't help herself from saying, "Leave him alone, he didn't want all that!" because he makes her angry, so angry.  
  
The boy turns to Ginny and smirks. "Potter, looks like you've got yourself a girlfriend!"  
  
Ginny flushes red with embarrassment. He's mean, the boy is, to call her out on things like that.  
  
And Harry probably hasn't even thought of her like that, anyways; not even anything remotely close to a friend. He probably thinks of her as Ron's kid sister, the only girl Weasley - one of the many girls in his life that Harry will come to know.  
  
*  
  
Looking back, Ginny will always hate first year.  
  
It's not just Tom Riddle's fault, it's  _her_  fault too - for picking up the diary, for writing in it, for thinking that he had cared for her after everything Dad had told her about unreliable books. Ginny calls herself an idiot, and she will again and again until she forgives herself of the all the stupid things she's ever done.  
  
Tom Riddle's diary shows her that not all things are what they appear to be (except for Harry, but only because he's Harry Potter) and once Ginny finds that she can't remember things, that she finds red paint on her hands and chicken feathers in her bed, she gets scared. She's terrified, really, that there's something wrong, and at first she hadn't noticed it but then she realizes - the  _diary_  and she's probably doing those awful things, all those things that the teachers and the students and the brothers and their friends are worrying about and she doesn't want to do it anymore, she can't,  _she can't_ !  
  
Furious, she throws the diary and she hears someone sobs - who it is, she doesn't look, but she turns and runs out of the bathroom and doesn't want to see the diary again, ever again.  
  
It's weeks later when Harry receives her horrible singing Valentine and she sees the diary in his bag.  
  
Of all people, she doesn't want Harry to find out: know, perhaps, but to find out on his own without her telling that she is the one behind all these attacks; it's worse than having been eavesdropped on. So she waits for Harry's dormitory to empty, and then she runs inside and gets the diary back, and makes sure it's safe from any wandering eyes, especially Harry's. Ginny doesn't want him to think that she's the bad guy, especially when she's not.  
  
Ginny cares too much about what Harry thinks. But most of all, she cares too much about herself.  
  
*  
  
Imagine being rescued by Harry Potter.  
  
In hindsight, Ginny thinks that she'd be a little happier about it, but she's not, not really. Oh, she's thrilled that Harry had rescued her, not because it's Harry but because she's been rescued and he understands and forgives her and it's all good, really. But Ginny isn't quite as happy as she might have been a few years ago. She might have gotten used to Harry, but she's come to know that what she has is just a small crush and she shouldn't care that much, and okay she blushes occasionally when he talks to her, but he treats her like a friend too and she likes this.  
  
Anyway, the summer after first year she cares more about all else because Dad had won the lottery.  _Seven hundred Galleons._  Ginny couldn't believe it when she'd heard: her brothers were overjoyed and Mum was practically in tears and they all decided to visit Bill in Egypt because what better way to spend seven hundred Galleons than on a vacation? So they all go and Ginny has a fantastic time and it's really, really quite wonderful, seeing all the Egyptian things and tombs (though Ginny wants to see the last one, even though Mum wouldn't let her. She could handle it: she  _could_ .)  
  
When they go back to Hogwarts, Ginny thinks of trying out for the Quidditch team (but she doesn't in case her brothers find out how much she's practiced behind their backs) makes more friends with her yearmates - last year hadn't been so great because she had been so obsessed with that diary, but now she has the time and her yearmates seem to like her. Ginny knows she's nice enough and she's attractive enough so people won't hate her, but a part of her is worried that they might see something about her, that she's not strong, that she's easily overpowered, like Tom Riddle had seen - and every time she goes near one of those horrible Dementors, she always remembers. So Ginny makes herself look stronger than she feels she is, and hopes that one day, maybe she will be this strong.  
  
And Ginny feels sort of guilty that she's not making friends with Luna Lovegood, who's not in Gryffindor like her but has Charms with her, but Luna's weird and all the other kids avoid her so Ginny avoids her too. And Ginny gets sort of embarrassed when she presents Harry with a shrilly-singing card, but that's just how crushes go.  
  
*  
  
Ginny hasn't talked to Hermione Granger that much before, other than when she's hanging out with Ron and his friends. But the summer of the Quiddith World Cup, Hermione Granger comes over to stay at the Burrow and Ginny suddenly finds herself with a new roommate.  
  
Hermione's very nice, and Ginny can see why Ron likes her immediately (even if Ron may not know it yet: he's just dense like that.) Hermione's brilliant but she's sensible and she treats Ginny like she's her friend even though Ginny doesn't really feel like they're friends yet. But Ginny thinks she could be, and they make small talk together for the days when it's only Hermione staying over. And when Ron is with Hermione, he lets Ginny come along too and Ginny feels like she and Hermione really are friends, and it only strengthens when they share a tent together at the Cup, too.  
  
Hermione even asks her about Harry: Ginny knows she's been very quite obvious for the past couple of years. "What you need," Hermione tells her, as Ginny turns bright red with embarrassment, "is to relax around him more. Harry's a boy, you know. Like Ron." She rolls her eyes.  
  
Ginny giggles. "Yeah," she says, and then, still blushing, shrugs. "I don't... I mean, it used to be how everyone sees him as 'Harry Potter' now, but I see him as Harry and I still like him." She feels kind of hopeless, because her liking is quite strong even though she's so sure that it's not going to happen. Ever.  
  
Hermione looks at her sympathetically, and that's when Ginny knows Hermione understands. "Just be yourself around him," she says. "And to do that, you  _do_  need to stop blushing so much. Go out with other guys, even."  
  
Ginny can sort of imagine it: her having a boyfriend while talking to Harry like he's just a friend. Even though she's sure that some part of her will still be a little in love with him even then, she's sure it can happen.  
  
"Okay," she says, and Hermione beams.  
  
*  
  
That year, she goes to the Yule Ball with Neville Longbottom, but meets Michael Corner. And she remembers that a small part of her still likes Harry, but she remembers Hermione's words and doesn't mind talking to Michael so much. And she thinks that Michael doesn't mind talking to her much, either.  
  
*  
  
Ginny's just as shaken as everyone else when she hears that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is back, so she doesn't mind moving into Grimmauld Place. She shares a room with Hermione, who greets her because she's an old friend, and they talk about things together, in the mornings and at nights and occasionally during the days when Hermione and Ron aren't together all the time. Ginny tells her about how she had broken into her brothers' broom shed since she was six and started playing Quidditch by herself. Hermione tells her about all the things she hates about Ron, the same way last year Hermione had told her about the Yule Ball and Viktor Krum.  
  
Ginny likes Hermione, because there's nothing horribly special about her but she's nice, and she understands. And she thinks that maybe Hermione still thinks that she likes Harry (which she does, but Ginny's going out with Michael now, which she tells Hermione, so it's hardly important.)  
  
She and Hermione also meet Nymphadora Tonks ("Call me Tonks!") and Ginny feels for once, she has two older sisters - living with her brothers has been exciting and all and Ginny has definitely toughened up over the years, but she needs girls around, too. Hermione's more girly and Tonks is an only child, so Ginny feels sort of like the boy in this group - but she likes this, too, being different.  
  
And Ginny's more herself, though she wishes she could be a bit cooler - she has plenty of friends now, and wouldn't want to lose them. Most of all, Ginny doesn't want to lose herself and who she's become since first year, so she's a bit more relaxed when she's with her family, but when school starts she's not. She sees Luna Lovegood again and feels guilty, but everyone calls her Loony so she does too.  
  
But it's through the school year when while Ginny's with Michael, she finds that she's actually quite happy with him, save for her feelings for someone else. Michael doesn't really care who she is and how she acts; he just likes her for  _her_ . So Ginny's more comfortable with herself and other people, not because of what they think but what she thinks, and what she thinks is that Umbridge is an old toad with a stupid laugh, that being part of Dumbledore's Army is much more important than following Ministry regulations, that she can try out for the Quidditch team when her brothers and Harry get banned and can get  _Seeker_ , and that she's actually quite handy with spells and might play an important role in this whole fighting-against-You-Know-Who thing.  
  
*  
  
Ginny can't think of anything else except for Dad. She's been a bit more confident this year, she knows, but her family is more important to her than anyone else. Ron, who's a bit of a prat but loves her quite a lot; Fred and George, who always want to make her laugh and  _do_ ; Percy, who doesn't know right from wrong in this world but still cares about her because she's the youngest; Charlie, who's away all the time but always keeps in touch; Bill, who loves everyone, especially her; Mum, who understands her more because Ginny's a girl; and Dad, who is always looking out for all of them. Ginny can't bear to imagine losing any one of them especially Dad, and she doesn't talk, doesn't sleep, doesn't think as she stares at the dying flames in Grimmauld Place, curled up on the couch and trying not to cry.  
  
*  
  
Dad gets better, obviously, but Ginny notice that Harry's getting worse. She knows Ron notices it too, but he's too chicken to say anything, so it's up to her, really.  
  
And Hermione, of course, when she arrives too.  
  
"How're you feeling?" Hermione asks Harry, after a brief anecdote of why she's here (she'd already told Ginny.)  
  
"Fine," says Harry, not looking fine at all.  
  
"Oh, don't lie, Harry. Ron and Ginny say you've been hiding from everyone since you got back from St. Mungo's."  
  
"They do, don't they?" says Harry, and to Ginny's surprise, he glares at her and Ron. Indignant, she jumps up.  
  
"Well, you have!" she says, because how can he say that he hasn't when Ginny just has the tendency to notice these things. "And you won't look at any of us!"  
  
"It's you lot who won't look at me!"  
  
"Maybe you're taking it in turns to look and keep missing each other," suggests Hermione.  
  
"Very funny." Harry turns away.  
  
"Oh, stop feeling all misunderstood," says Hermione, voicing Ginny's thoughts exactly. "Look, the others have told me what you overhead last night on the Extendable Ears - " (Which Ginny thinks is absolutely crazy, because she's pretty sure if Harry were possessed, they'd all notice.)  
  
"Yeah?" says Harry. "All talking about me, have you? Well, I'm getting used to it..."  
  
Ginny can't take it anymore - Harry feeling sorry for himself, when he's just being stupid, and Ginny's always noticed this about him but never thought it'd be so irritating. "We wanted to talk  _to you_ , Harry," she tells him, "but as you've been hiding ever since we got back."  
  
"I didn't want anyone to talk to me."  
  
"Well," says Ginny, losing her impatience, "that was a bit stupid of you, seeing as you don't know anyone but me who's been possessed by You-Know-Who, and I can tell you how it feels."  
  
She knows she's gotten to Harry, because then he's quiet.  
  
"I forgot."  
  
"Lucky you," says Ginny. It still haunts her sometimes.  
  
"I'm sorry," says Harry. "So... so do you think I'm being possessed, then?"  
  
"Well, can you remember everything you've been doing?" says Ginny. "Are there big blank periods where you don't know what you've been up to?" She feels she knows the answer already.  
  
"No."  
  
"Then You-Know-Who hasn't ever possessed you," says Ginny, and then she softens. It's not Harry's fault after all - mostly, anyway. "When he did it to me, I couldn't remember what I'd been doing for hours at a time. I'd find myself somewhere and not know how I got there."  
  
She can see that Harry's feeling better at this, and then so does she.  
  
*  
  
In Easter, she gives Harry the Easter egg from Mum, and tells him she'll help him talk to Sirius. They're comfortable with each other, and Ginny is comfortable with herself.  
  
She dumps Michael and thinks that maybe Neville Longbottom likes her, but boys aren't really the most important thing in her life anymore; they never were. She's come to face the reality of the situation ever since she'd heard about You-Know-Who coming back, and so when Harry, Ron and Hermione say that they need to go to the Department of Mysteries, she wants to go with them to help bring goodness to the world, not just because Ginny knows that caring about blood purity is not right, not just because she knows that Harry is good and that You-Know-Who is bad, but because Ginny wants to fight for what she believes in and everyone's always telling her, she's too small, she's too young, when she wants to shout,  _No I'm not!_  
  
And so as the Second Wizarding War begins and people say that she's not supposed to have a role in this war, she wants to and she will and she'll be damned if no one sees her for who she is, for who she wants to be.  
  
*  
  
She's disappointed that Bill's marrying Phlegm - ugh, really, he can do so much better than that - but she becomes friends with Luna Lovegood again. She likes being friends with Luna, she realizes, and the Quibbler is really an interesting magazine no matter what Hermione says (Ginny had always known that Hermione wouldn't like it, but Ginny likes to think herself a bit more open-minded than her), so she defends anyone who calls Luna Loony and thinks it's actually quite brilliant when Harry decides to take her to the Slug Club party. Besides, Ginny's going out with Dean Thomas now, because she'd liked him and he'd grown to like her back.  
  
Dean is nice, and Ginny's always had a thing for dark-haired boys, and he's also older so there's not much wrong with him. He's also a very good kisser, she finds, when she kisses him for the first time. Dean might've been a bit disappointed when she made the Quidditch team and he didn't, but she assures him that he'd been very good so he's okay with this. Ginny likes being with Dean, and she likes being on the Quidditch team, so everything is balanced and Ginny is okay.  
  
Ginny thinks Ron is a bit ridiculous when he sees her and Dean kissing; but it's shortly after that when Ginny notices the things she doesn't like about Dean. She doesn't know why, she just can't  _help_  it - with the way Dean treats her like she's delicate when she's not, when he thinks she's just a  _girl_  and Ginny resists the urge to remind him that she was the one who had made it on the House Team, thank you very much. (She knows she'll come off as a bit stuck-up if she does that.) But there are so many little things that she's starting to get more and more irritated about him, and she doesn't want to break up with him because they can actually be quite  _happy_ . But something's not right, and Ginny knows that a small piece of her heart is still waiting for Harry.  
  
Who, speaking of, is actually acting quite odd this year. Ginny doesn't know why; Harry's never acted this way before. But now he seems more lost in thought and avoids her eye at Quidditch practices and looks a little wary around her (Ginny wonders if it's something about  _her_ , even though she hasn't changed at all) and Ginny's pretty sure he's just being  _Harry_  again - but it's one of the things she likes about him, so she lives with it.  
  
It's Dean just being Dean, anyway, that gets her to break up with  _him_ , and suddenly Ginny feels quite relieved of it all - having liked him, but not being able to see herself in a further relationship with him, pursuing it. She's still a bit worried about Harry, though, but is sure that he'll figure it out, because he's Harry.  
  
And then he kisses her.  
  
Ginny can't really remember it all when it's done - had he kissed her? Had she kissed him? - but it had been elation, and Harry's really an idiot but she realizes that a lot of the reason why he had been acting weird was because of  _her_  (really, her? Harry liked  _Ginny_ ?) and suddenly it feels like everything's falling into place. There are still the O.W.L.s and Professor Snape is an arse because he keeps assigning Harry detentions when they could be spending time together, but despite everything, Ginny finds that the small feelings that had blossomed in first year, over Harry, are starting to come to and Ginny feels a bit like a, well,  _girl_  for thinking this, but she really loves being with him. She knows that it won't last, though, because this is  _Harry Potter_  and Harry Potter is supposed to kill You-Know-Who and save the Wizarding World, and, who knows, he might fall out of love with her because she's just Ginny Weasley. But she has confidence in him, and she knows Harry and she'll understand if they can't last for very long, if he will want to leave her.  
  
But she doesn't care. After so long, she still wants to prove that she can fight, that she can do this all by herself - it's all she's ever wanted to prove, after all. She plays Quidditch and is a strong witch, yes, but Ginny wants to fight. She doesn't care if her life is in danger.  
  
But Harry cares, and this she understands. She understands that Harry doesn't want to talk when he cries, and at Dumbledore's funeral. Ginny doesn't talk either, but instead she holds him like they're more than friends, even if it's not how it's meant to be. Harry's never treated her like a sister, but as a friend and there's more to their relationship than that. But Ginny's been waiting for so long, so she can wait now.  
  
*  
  
It's Harry's birthday. Ginny's never known her feelings to be so strong for him, but perhaps it's knowing that it's mutual and not unrequited that makes her realize that there may not be such thing as love at first sight, but love when you find something worth fighting for.  
  
She wants him to remember her.  
  
And it's really quite sad, really, and Ginny thinks herself sort of pathetic even though she knows she's so strong already, and she won't get embarrassed anymore but there's still that sort of feeling when she's been liking someone for so long and she'll still like them even if, perhaps, there's no hope anymore. Sometimes Ginny is afraid that Harry doesn't like her as much as she thinks, which is ridiculous because she can see the way Harry looks at her, the way Harry talks to her, the way he'd kissed her. So other times Ginny isn't too afraid anymore, but rather wants to remind Harry that she's still here for him, even if he isn't here for her.  
  
*  
  
_Dumbledore's Army, still recruiting!_  
  
_Down with the Dark Lord and all his minions!_  
  
Ginny knows she's not serving much in this war with childish graffiti, but it's fun, really, sneaking out with Neville and Luna and trying to up the morale of everyone at Hogwarts. She's seen the way the teachers look at each other and the students - eyes mingled with pity - and along with everyone else, she hates the Carrows. She doesn't know what to think of Snape, though, because sometimes she thinks he might look a bit despondent, though he had certainly been quite strict when she'd broken into his office with the others for Gryffindor's sword.  
  
Ginny wants to play a role, and she does.  
  
She knows a war is coming, and she knows the war is coming to Hogwarts, and she doesn't give a damn. Let them come to Hogwarts. Let them kill her. She'll die fighting for what she believes in, and she's not even positive she'll die because she's a pretty good witch, too, haven gotten a number of O.W.L.s (plus, those D.A. meetings had definitely improved her spellwork.) Ginny knows there's more important things in life than grades, than blood, than boys - there's people and wizards and Muggles, and it doesn't really matter because she's always hated death, hated the way people looked at Dumbledore's funeral, hated the way the house was silent after Sirius's death, hated the way the whole school was in tears after the Third Task when she was only in third year. They've all been growing up with deaths, Ginny knows, and she's sick of it. She wants it to end as much as anyone else.  
  
So she is beyond angry when her parents tell her that she can't fight in the Battle of Hogwarts - even worse, when they tell her that  _they're_  going out to fight when she can't. How do they think she feels, knowing that family is out there and she's not? That she's forced to be shut up? It's stupid, and she wants to  _do_  something - so when she gets the opportunity, she does.  
  
Ginny is always the one for doing.  
  
She hates You-Know-Who for all he's done and helps the wounded because they don't deserve to be wounded, and mourn the dead because they don't deserve to be dead. She watches the War flash before her eyes and fights as much as anyone else, and hopes, in the end, all will worth be fighting for.  
  
*  
  
She's happy now.  
  
Not just because she's played Quidditch professionally already ( _already!_ ), not just because she's a successful Quidditch correspondent for the Daily Prophet. Not just because she's married to the boy she's always loved, not just because she has three beautiful children. Not because her family's all right even though George will be more quiet sometimes, not just because everything is over. Not just because, for once in her life, everything seems like it will be okay, in the end.  
  
But also because she knows who she is, and she likes it. Because she's not just  _enough_  - because she's Ginny, and she's someone she's okay with; she's someone she loves.


End file.
